4 Months...

...my baby is 4 months old!!! She is happy and healthy and her cheeks are as round as ever! :) Although Sadie FINALLY rolled over from tummy to back on Jan. 4, she has decided that she doesn't really care for it and never does it anymore. She still tries very hard to roll over from back to tummy, but still can't seem to make it over her arm. I think her cheeks get in the way :) She wants to sit up, stand up, and move constantly. She smiles and laughs all of the time. We have gone completely backwards in our sleeping routine. She was doing good sleeping atleast most days of the week through the night. The past week or 2, she has now decided to get up atleast once if not twice every night. :( Not good for Mommy, who already has to get up very early for work. We will get there. We will be starting rice cereal after we see the doctor next week. I am interested to see what she will think about it (and maybe, just maybe it will help her sleep better at night???).

I have talked in the past about my desire to stay home with Sadie. Yes, I know being a stay-at-home mom is hard too and the grass is always greener on the other side, but it still doesn't change the way I feel. I also would not mind just working part time. Anyway, I haven't told or talked to many people about this, but I actually feel better when I talk about it now. I have actually been experiencing some post partum depression. I always associated it with people who distance themselves from their child and only do the minimum to take care of them. According to my doula (who is also a mid-wife), PPD can actually go to the other extreme as well. I am on that extreme, I am incredibly protective of her. I was having severe separation anxiety from her and have some very strong jealousy issues with my babysitter. Small things, such as seeing the babysitter holding Sadie or feeding her would set me off. I would cry to the point of sobbing. I had such an overwhelming feeling of emotions that I felt like I couldn't get under control. I never wanted Sadie to be out of my sight when I was with her or for anyone else to touch her. What hurt me the most is how I was feeling towards the babysitter. She is sweet and dear friend of mine, whom I love and trust very much. I have never once questioned that Sadie wasn't being taken care of or wasn't safe. I am so very thankful for her and wouldn't want anyone else to watch her. That being said, it didn't seem to stop my jealousy. Last week was a breaking point for me. I basically starting cry when I picked Sadie up one afternoon and woke up crying the next morning and cried all day long. It was a long miserable day at work. At this point I knew I needed help. I contacted my doula and she took the time to talk everything out with me and just let me express all of my emotions. We will continue to do this from time to time. I am also incorporating some exercise back into my routine, although I still don't feel like I have the time for although I really want to do it. My babysitter has also been incredibly supportive and understanding and we are changing some things to help as well. For example, I call her when I am on my way to pick up Sadie and she gets her ready to go and has her in the car seat waiting for me. This way I don't have to see her holding, feeding her, etc. All of these things have been a major help. I have felt much better this week, and I am basically able to better control my emotions before they get out of control. Prayer has also played a big role. Where as I am still not ok leaving her everyday, there is still guilt and some jealousy. I feel like I am doing much better now than I have been for the last month or so. I could probably go on and on about this, but this blog is getting a little long for my taste. :)

Jonathan is getting so close!!! He is getting his resume together and looking for job opportunities. So anyone knows of any chiropractors who need some help....please let us know! :)

We love you Sadie more than you could ever know!!!!!!!!!!! You are the absolute joy of our lives! You amaze me everyday and your smile still melts my heart :)